I confirm that I am a wild one.
Wild child. Wild hair. Wild clothes. Wild movements. Wild actions. Wild choices. Wild speech. Wild spirit.
I love my wild! I embrace my wild! I honor my wild!
The type of wild that strips naked and jumps in the freezing cold water because “no regrets!”
The type of wild that dances like they’re at a strip club or like they’re having a seizer because “express yourself!”
The type of wild that doesn’t wash their hair for 3 months because “don’t conform, be free!”
The type of wild that wears rainbow yoga pants and a tie die crop top because “the world needs color!”
I’m that type of wild. I know it. I feel it. I love it.
But there is one other thing about me that is wild. I don’t love. I don’t embrace. I don’t want to honor.
My wild mind.
Wildly and uncontrollably running around like a maniac. Trying to get 10 things done at once. Never staying focused on one thing at a time. Constantly distracted by… oh look a butterfly!
Daydreaming of the future. Ideating on things to create, starting projects, losing interest, never completing and then getting mad at myself for my “lack of persistence.”
Losing my shit when there was pain in my body. Wildly running away from any type of unpleasant sensation, situation or circumstance.
A wild mind.
An untamed mind.
A distracted mind.
A fantasizing mind.
A mind that was lost in the clouds. Craving, wanting, desiring the next dream to come true. The next project to start. The next guy to meet. The next day to be better then this one.
A mind that wasn’t planted in the ground. Not fully present to reality. To what it was doing. To where it was. To the body. To the present moment. To the now.
A wild mind.
Should I tame this wild mind?
I thought, “It’s fine where it is. The clouds are fun!”
Lala was lost in Lala land.
But is this really the best way to live?
I hated the lack of focus, lack of persistence, lack of presence, lack of embodiment.
I knew deep inside, I needed a change.
I needed a challenge to change me.
Hmmm 10-day silent vipassana meditation retreat sounds like a challenge.
I thought it would help me connect more to spirit, learn how to not talk as much, find inner joy.
But what I got was the last thing I ever expected. And exactly what I needed.
In the middle of the night on day #1 I woke up with an itchy, burning, rash that was unbearably painful.
“Oh f$@k.” Was all I could come up with.
I asked for a challenge and a challenge is exactly what I got.
Luckily, Vipassana Meditation is all about observing the sensations in our bodies while keeping a balance, peaceful, calm mind. Not craving for pleasant sensations. Not having aversion to unpleasant sensations. Remaining perfectly equanimous and nonreactive while understanding the laws of impermanence. That every sensation arises and passes away. That everything changes. Constantly.
WOOHOO! 10 days of feeling the sensations in my body. 10 days of feeling the unbearably painful rash. Can’t wait.
Naturally, I balled my eyes out on day #2 in fear of the pain I would have to experience. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away. I was in hell in my body. I was imprisoned in my mind.
But what would I be leaving? The pain? It would still be there. They gave me creams to somewhat help. There was nothing else I could do for it. So I thought, I might as well make the best of the situation and continue.
The rash was the best thing to ever happen to me.
It continually brought me back to the body, the sensation, the present, the now, the reality of what was.
It tested my wild mind that was training to remain equanimous during mediation (10.5 hours a day to be exact).
It allowed to me experience what it was like to remain calm despite unpleasant sensations in the body.
That has never existed in my life before. I’m that girl that “doesn’t do pain.” The girl that cried and freaked out after a bee sting. I thought I couldn’t handle the pain. I thought escaping reality into my daydreams was the only way out of being uncomfortable.
105 hours of mediating, 10 days, and 3 tubes of anti-itch cream later, I emerged.
Embodied. Calm. Present. Peaceful. Alive.
I made it! I did it! I survived! I thrived! I am alive!
If I can do 10 days of that, I can do anything.
No, I am not enlightened. No, I still feel unpleasant sensations. No, my rash isn’t 100% healed.
Yes, I am more focused. Persistent. Present. Embodied.
Yes, I am more here. In reality. In what I’m doing. In where I am. In my body. In the moment. In the now.
Yes, I can keep a calm mind despite any unpleasant sensation, situation and circumstance.
I don’t need to always label things as good or bad.
I don’t need to always seek freedom in the future.
I don’t need to crave or avert my attention.
I am at peace with all that is.
Now, I experience the real, beautiful magic of life right NOW. The life that is constantly unfolding and changing with every single passing moment. Because all that life is… a moment.
Life is but the unfolding of a moment.
Now, I am one with this unfolding. Aware. Awake. Alive.
It’s official folks. This wild mind has been tamed.
Lala has landed.