As you probably know, I’ve been living at Kawai Purapura, a yoga retreat center in the heart of New Zealand for the past 5 months. I’ve been exploring my soul, embracing myself and expressing my spirit while deepening my connection to god/the universe.
I am SO blessed that my parents visited and we went on a 10 day road trip around the South Island. The trip was filled with beauty, adventure, relaxation and love! I was so grateful to be reunited with my parents and get my food paid for! Yippe! :P (I definitely took advantage of that perk).
There was just one night though where I had a total self-love breakdown
During the trip I enjoyed, indulged and let go of all the spiritual practices I adopted. I still ate vegan but I made unhealthy food choices every meal (mostly fries & wine), I continually snacked & overate in the long car drives out of “boredom,” I stopped drinking water and I hardly ever moved my body.
I stopped all my self love & self-care routines.
Like tuning in (meditating & journaling), moving my body (yoga & running), making healthy choices (fruits & veggies), only eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full and in summary, connecting with my inner soul & beauty through self-love.
It all exploded one day. My mom took a photo of me with gorgeous scenery in the backdrop and when I looked at it, I was utterly ashamed. My belly was hanging over my tight fitted pants and peeking through my cropped shirt.
“Oh my god, is that really me?!” I looked bloated, big and GROSS.
I was disgusting and disgusted.
Immediately when we got back to the car I put on a baggy long shirt and loose pants to cover up the monstrosity that was my stomach. The rest of the night my mind repetitively told me, “I am so fat.”
I then developed a strong urge to wash my hair I didn’t wash for 2 weeks because it suddenly seemed tired & dirty looking.
I got to the hotel room that night and realized I lost my expensive face wash that I just bought to clear up the severe acne I developed around my mouth, chin and forehead.
I broke down in tears.
“I can’t heal my acne. I can’t heal my fat. I can’t fix my hair.”
I stared at myself in the mirror filled with despair at the perceived image of a fat, dirty and ugly girl.
I was disgusted with how I looked. I was sick of how I felt. I was mad at myself for how I treated my body.
I was filled with self-hate.
My parents were sleeping so I left the hotel room to call someone to cry to. I needed someone to tell me I was beautiful and it will be okay. My boyfriend didn’t answer. My best friend didn’t answer. There I was, alone. In the parking lot. In the rain. Left on my own to deal with these painful emotions.
What do you think I did?
I cried. And cried. And cried. I let it all hang out. Emotions, belly and all. I sat there feeling empty, defeated, alone, and worthless.
After the tears seemed to dry up, I turned to the thing that always seems to save me from my negative thought patterns and wild emotions. Writing.
I realized I was upset not about how I looked, but how I felt.
It’s not that I didn’t have acne, a bloated belly or dirty hair before this vacation. I totally did. Oh my gosh so many times thanks to my food allergies/digestive issues, NZ’s climate causing acne breakouts and not washing my hair to cleanse it of toxins. This time was different though because I didn’t feel my beauty from within.
I felt it before because I was so tuned into my being through my spiritual practices. I knew I was more than my outer appearances. I am still more than that! I always will be! We all are!!!
OMG KNOWING OUR INNER BEAUTY IS SO RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT.
I’m grateful for this breakdown because it allowed me to reconnect with the importance of true self-love.
After this vacation experiencing the beauty of the earth, I have been tuning back into the beauty that lives inside of me. The beauty of who I am as a person. My inner qualities.
The way I act, the way I speak, the way I give, the way I listen, the way I love.
My outer qualities are beautiful because of the inner qualities beneath them.
My face is beautiful because of the emotions it can express.
My belly is beautiful because of the intuition it can feel.
My hair is beautiful because of the wisdom it can hold.
If you ever struggle internally with external appearances, you are not alone. Remember it’s not the outside that matters.
It’s the way you act, speak, give, listen & love.
These unique qualities are what makes you beautiful.
That make you, YOU.
You are beautiful.
Your soul, yourself, your spirit.
Together, let’s tune into our beauty. Let’s breathe it in. Let’s yoga it out. Let’s dance it out. Let’s share it with the world.
Please reach out if you want support. I’m here for you. We’re in this together.
I am beautiful and so are you.
“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies, how very different our ideas of beauty would be.”